I have loved the ambiance of candles for years.
These particular candles are so clean burning they do not smoke so NO SOOT...and they do not irritate K-mans lungs. He can't be around smoke or smokers...so this is a perfect match.
I am becoming a rep just to earn a little extra cash...and perhaps just provide myself with some candles to enjoy for myself since things have been so tight.
Its only a catalog party...so your presence is not required!
Jo Williams' personal website
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Scientists Restore Some Function to Cells from Cystic Fibrosis Patients
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/12/091206162959.htm
Great news for our lil cf-er Kai!
I am so happy that the organization I contract for has a research institute and has the funding to work on such things as cystic fibrosis. When you think about it...the total number of Americans alone with this disease couldn't even fill up our local stadium.
There are an estimated 30,000 people in the US with cystic fibrosis.
Qualcomm Stadium = Baseball capacity: 67544 Football capacity: 60794
Petco Park = Baseball capacity: 46000
Dodgers Stadium = Baseball capacity: 56000
They couldn't even fill Fenway with the number.
Fenway = Baseball capacity: 34218
So, our little K-man who is our precious boy with cystic fibrosis is part of a swell little club.
If you get around to it...we are walking again this year for Kai. First Sunday in May. Save the date! If you can walk with us that would be great! If not, could you sponsor me?
Check our my page:
http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/dsp_DonationPage.cfm?walkid=6359&idUser=158911
Lots of love!
Michellene
Great news for our lil cf-er Kai!
I am so happy that the organization I contract for has a research institute and has the funding to work on such things as cystic fibrosis. When you think about it...the total number of Americans alone with this disease couldn't even fill up our local stadium.
There are an estimated 30,000 people in the US with cystic fibrosis.
Qualcomm Stadium = Baseball capacity: 67544 Football capacity: 60794
Petco Park = Baseball capacity: 46000
Dodgers Stadium = Baseball capacity: 56000
They couldn't even fill Fenway with the number.
Fenway = Baseball capacity: 34218
So, our little K-man who is our precious boy with cystic fibrosis is part of a swell little club.
If you get around to it...we are walking again this year for Kai. First Sunday in May. Save the date! If you can walk with us that would be great! If not, could you sponsor me?
Check our my page:
http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/dsp_DonationPage.cfm?walkid=6359&idUser=158911
Lots of love!
Michellene
Monday, February 01, 2010
Thankful
Well, this year started off rough. Lost a dear aunt...well, I lost her the last 15 minutes of 2009...I am still a bit raw from that experience. Thankful I was able to spend time in Hawaii with her and her family for a few days. Loved that I could do some things for her before we said "See you Later."
I am writing this now because I have been on this tailspin into an abyss...of I guess without medications would probably be a major depressive episode...but isn't.
I have found out so many things about myself. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for...and I am capable of love. Loving someone outside myself and outside my children.
Gods gifts indeed.
I have also found out so many areas that I am lacking which weigh heavily upon my heart. Especially when it hurts those around me. I haven't been very good at being a wife...in fact I think I have been pretty damned selfish. So focused on little things...or actually BIG things...like the bills and rent...that I forget to dole out the hugs and kisses that are needed to get us through the tougher spots in this life.
I haven't been a great mom. Sure I have done all K's treatments...taken him to all his appointments...made attempts at getting T's homework done...trying to give them both all the love and attention they so deserve. I miss the days when they would just snuggle in my bed and we would sleep in. I think we are over due for a sleep over.
I have let K keep a binky until he was 5...oh the horror of it all. Haven't forced him to eat real food because I have been so focused on making sure he has all the calories he possibly can have in one day just so he can keep growing. I have let T play video games and watch TV without making sure his homework is done and believing him when he says it is done...major major mistake. I have learned from that. I am thankful that he is growing... I am sad that his care consumes so much time than a healthy child...which takes away from T. I need some mommy and me time with him. He has been exhibiting symptoms of just missing and needing attention. So that I must and can fix.
I haven't been a great daughter...forgot to call my mom on her birthday despite the fact I told the kids ALL DAY that it was her birthday. I haven't called and seen them as much as I should. I really must spend more time with them...interacting. The kids need to see them...as do I.
I haven't been the best sister I can be. I haven't written or called and didn't attend a family get together....a birthday party for the twins because "I had to work." I put that in quotes...because it always seems to be where I am at or what I need to do when my kids need something or someone asks if I can be there for THEM.
At what point do I need to realize it isn't all about me but about giving back to others around me? The people that I love and cherish. Or "say" I do and don't show it.
I haven't been a good friend. I haven't been out to see Jen and Pete...I love them dearly and have yet to even send them a card or package to their new address. I still have a newborn outfit for Peter in a Christmas wrapping that should have been send 2 Christmas' ago and a glitter nail kit for Nadia...never sent. Then there is my beloveds Cs and B. They get the brunt of everything. They have both been my rock through my divorce. C has even taken my middle of the night phone calls from Hawaii just to talk me through a very horrible day despite having to get up for work at the butt crack of dawn. Sure, she has her phone not accept messages...which drives me insane...but she calls back when she sees that I have called. I do that for her too...I even pick up her calls when I am at work. I think she and my mom & dad are the only ones I do that for. Yet, my tone with all of them...has been short. I am stressed to the seams. Can't see the forest for the trees. I have been just trying to get through each day without crying...so instead I bite someones head off. Usually C's or B's. For that I am sorry. It's like I am stuck...in this place...where I want to embrace those around me...but want to just crawl under a rock and just shut everyone out. But because I know these people around me love me...I don't.
My mom has told me several times (you would think I would get the hint) that if I am busy...just say so...just a quick..."Hey I really want to talk to you...but I am so swamped can I call you later" will be nice instead of feeling like I am being put out by answering the phone.
I am sorry. I am so sorry for all of my inadequacies. So sorry I am falling short in so many places. I am asking God to help...um duh he already is...because my binky-free 5 year old just leaned over to tell me "Mommy, I love you. I love you so much." And here I thought he would hate me for the rest of his life for "donating" his beloved binky to another baby that needs it.
Bottom line is...I have been taking my stress out on everyone because despite the size of my body habitus...I simply cannot fit anymore in here. I am filled to the brim with this crap...and that made my emotional "tank" so small it is always on "E". I feel as if I am just giving giving giving...and I just can't give anymore. I am just drowning.
Drowning in fear...Fear of yet more failures...failure of going to jail for not paying taxes for an ex that's got his own issues. Yet here I find myself sucking at yet another job...accounting. That used to be the "ex's" job...and he sucked at it too I just didn't know it till just before I left...so I am holding the bag of doo-doo that is left behind. Back taxes...already had letters talking about taking money out of my accounts...I am always needing just a little more for gas in the gas tank...even needing to create a note book of IOU's to the kids for their allowance...I think I am three months behind now on that.
Then I have the ex that is suing for custody yet again...for the children...just so he can get out of paying support. All of these things he will use against me...T not doing so great in school...K's teeth needing attention yet he will let NO ONE near his mouth...if you do get close...he is likely to require you to need a change of clothes.
I feel horrible for it all. I am sorry for lashing out at those around me. I am thankful that C had the balls to tell me. That she loved me more than I will ever know, that she felt comfortable to text me that I am falling short. Which means if I am falling short with all these things I am falling short with God. He put C as my angel to do a virtual shaken baby routine with me via the phone. Yep. I think it worked...because I am just shaken up.
I know He will forgive me...I just need to ask. I just hope to have the forgiveness of all those around me. I am sucking at being a person right now...and I am the only one that can take the steps to change that.
I have been so bitter. So angry...I think because of my choices...which were mostly not bad. Just having a heck of time trying to make adjustments. Family and C have reassured me that leaving an abusive situation was smart...and that it is all an adjustment. I am still working through it...and with the grace of God...I will survive without any cerebral or retinal hemorrhaging from all the shaking.
So, I am thankful for my family that loves me unconditionally...my kids that love me just because I breathe (and that is mutual) and for C...that loved me enough to tell me. No she isn't mean.....she was just keeping it real...keeping it 100.
For the love of Michellene.
I am writing this now because I have been on this tailspin into an abyss...of I guess without medications would probably be a major depressive episode...but isn't.
I have found out so many things about myself. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for...and I am capable of love. Loving someone outside myself and outside my children.
Gods gifts indeed.
I have also found out so many areas that I am lacking which weigh heavily upon my heart. Especially when it hurts those around me. I haven't been very good at being a wife...in fact I think I have been pretty damned selfish. So focused on little things...or actually BIG things...like the bills and rent...that I forget to dole out the hugs and kisses that are needed to get us through the tougher spots in this life.
I haven't been a great mom. Sure I have done all K's treatments...taken him to all his appointments...made attempts at getting T's homework done...trying to give them both all the love and attention they so deserve. I miss the days when they would just snuggle in my bed and we would sleep in. I think we are over due for a sleep over.
I have let K keep a binky until he was 5...oh the horror of it all. Haven't forced him to eat real food because I have been so focused on making sure he has all the calories he possibly can have in one day just so he can keep growing. I have let T play video games and watch TV without making sure his homework is done and believing him when he says it is done...major major mistake. I have learned from that. I am thankful that he is growing... I am sad that his care consumes so much time than a healthy child...which takes away from T. I need some mommy and me time with him. He has been exhibiting symptoms of just missing and needing attention. So that I must and can fix.
I haven't been a great daughter...forgot to call my mom on her birthday despite the fact I told the kids ALL DAY that it was her birthday. I haven't called and seen them as much as I should. I really must spend more time with them...interacting. The kids need to see them...as do I.
I haven't been the best sister I can be. I haven't written or called and didn't attend a family get together....a birthday party for the twins because "I had to work." I put that in quotes...because it always seems to be where I am at or what I need to do when my kids need something or someone asks if I can be there for THEM.
At what point do I need to realize it isn't all about me but about giving back to others around me? The people that I love and cherish. Or "say" I do and don't show it.
I haven't been a good friend. I haven't been out to see Jen and Pete...I love them dearly and have yet to even send them a card or package to their new address. I still have a newborn outfit for Peter in a Christmas wrapping that should have been send 2 Christmas' ago and a glitter nail kit for Nadia...never sent. Then there is my beloveds Cs and B. They get the brunt of everything. They have both been my rock through my divorce. C has even taken my middle of the night phone calls from Hawaii just to talk me through a very horrible day despite having to get up for work at the butt crack of dawn. Sure, she has her phone not accept messages...which drives me insane...but she calls back when she sees that I have called. I do that for her too...I even pick up her calls when I am at work. I think she and my mom & dad are the only ones I do that for. Yet, my tone with all of them...has been short. I am stressed to the seams. Can't see the forest for the trees. I have been just trying to get through each day without crying...so instead I bite someones head off. Usually C's or B's. For that I am sorry. It's like I am stuck...in this place...where I want to embrace those around me...but want to just crawl under a rock and just shut everyone out. But because I know these people around me love me...I don't.
My mom has told me several times (you would think I would get the hint) that if I am busy...just say so...just a quick..."Hey I really want to talk to you...but I am so swamped can I call you later" will be nice instead of feeling like I am being put out by answering the phone.
I am sorry. I am so sorry for all of my inadequacies. So sorry I am falling short in so many places. I am asking God to help...um duh he already is...because my binky-free 5 year old just leaned over to tell me "Mommy, I love you. I love you so much." And here I thought he would hate me for the rest of his life for "donating" his beloved binky to another baby that needs it.
Bottom line is...I have been taking my stress out on everyone because despite the size of my body habitus...I simply cannot fit anymore in here. I am filled to the brim with this crap...and that made my emotional "tank" so small it is always on "E". I feel as if I am just giving giving giving...and I just can't give anymore. I am just drowning.
Drowning in fear...Fear of yet more failures...failure of going to jail for not paying taxes for an ex that's got his own issues. Yet here I find myself sucking at yet another job...accounting. That used to be the "ex's" job...and he sucked at it too I just didn't know it till just before I left...so I am holding the bag of doo-doo that is left behind. Back taxes...already had letters talking about taking money out of my accounts...I am always needing just a little more for gas in the gas tank...even needing to create a note book of IOU's to the kids for their allowance...I think I am three months behind now on that.
Then I have the ex that is suing for custody yet again...for the children...just so he can get out of paying support. All of these things he will use against me...T not doing so great in school...K's teeth needing attention yet he will let NO ONE near his mouth...if you do get close...he is likely to require you to need a change of clothes.
I feel horrible for it all. I am sorry for lashing out at those around me. I am thankful that C had the balls to tell me. That she loved me more than I will ever know, that she felt comfortable to text me that I am falling short. Which means if I am falling short with all these things I am falling short with God. He put C as my angel to do a virtual shaken baby routine with me via the phone. Yep. I think it worked...because I am just shaken up.
I know He will forgive me...I just need to ask. I just hope to have the forgiveness of all those around me. I am sucking at being a person right now...and I am the only one that can take the steps to change that.
I have been so bitter. So angry...I think because of my choices...which were mostly not bad. Just having a heck of time trying to make adjustments. Family and C have reassured me that leaving an abusive situation was smart...and that it is all an adjustment. I am still working through it...and with the grace of God...I will survive without any cerebral or retinal hemorrhaging from all the shaking.
So, I am thankful for my family that loves me unconditionally...my kids that love me just because I breathe (and that is mutual) and for C...that loved me enough to tell me. No she isn't mean.....she was just keeping it real...keeping it 100.
For the love of Michellene.
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